the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
