im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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