Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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