I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
