I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
