the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
