I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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