Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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