there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
