We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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