whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
