I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
