just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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