When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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