Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
