I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just cropdusted the office
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
