I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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