Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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