I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
