it wasn't lemon gatorade
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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