Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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