I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
COCAINE IS GR8
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
