eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
