$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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