I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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