How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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