she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
