I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
send nudes
from the living room?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
