Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
