I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
