y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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