Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize