everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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