The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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