My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
