hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
