I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
