Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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