She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
