Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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