I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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