he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
