My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ladies don't puke and tell
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
