Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
