The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
