Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
