I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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