The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
