the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
