You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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