never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
