mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
