This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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