even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
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On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize