I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
