Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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