Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
