Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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