I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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