I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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