He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
