i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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