Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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